The fight, the tumor.

I have been fighting for a long time;
Since I was young – to be a perfect child
Since I first believed – to be a perfect christian
Since I started studying – to be a perfect student
Since I started dating – to be a perfect partner
Since I started working – to be a perfect employee
Since I started thinking about the world – to be a perfect global citizen.

Perfect manners,
Perfect body,
Perfect skin,
Perfect hair,
Financial eminence,
Happiness,
An ultimate purpose.

I have been fighting for a long time;
I have had to keep it together and pretend,
Taken pain and shame like a champ
Racked my brain on how I can make an impact –
For myself, my family, my community, for my country.
I have carried conversations and debates I was not interested in,
All in tolerance and search for approval.

And yet, in all the fights, I have lost.
Even when it seemed like I won, I lost.
Vanity, Solomon calls it.
Fairy gold, Jason Gregory calls it.
And still I fought even harder.
And with all the energy in my reserves.
More expectations, more fights.

Today, however, I chose to stop fighting
If not forever, at least for a moment.
The inner me in me begged, “Stop.”
And today I listened.
I stopped.
I waited for my world to start collapsing.
It didn’t.

Then, almost immediately, I broke down.
The heaviness of expectations has been weighing so long and heavy on my shoulders, For a moment I was lost without them.
I mourned for my burden, with which I had become one.
The mental and emotional tumor left a dent so significant,
It destabilised me for a moment.
But that’s just it, it was gone.

Today I chose to stop fighting
If not forever, at least for a moment.

5 thoughts on “The fight, the tumor.

  1. Thanks for this! So many times we keep fighting, that we lose ourselves in everyone’s expectations. Thanks for reminding me it’s okay to just ‘chill’! 🤗

    Like

  2. Wow. We are fighting, we started longback. Stop is all we need to do. Nothing happens youjust become the real stressfree you. Thank you Fortue.

    Like

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